Hook (1991)

BANG-A-RANG.

I am on a nostalgia run. Perks of living at home and having all-day access to DVR. Man, this movie brings me back. It's as old as I am! #birthmovies. It definitely fell into the "most-quoted" category when I was eight. And the quotes aren't even that good... "I've just had an apostrophe." "I believe in fairies!" "Lookie lookie I've got Hookie!" "You need a mother very badly!"

Let's talk about Peter Pan for a sec. Well, to put it frankly, I don't really like it. Him. The book. The play. The story. Neverland. Wendy. I don't like those things. I like the IDEA of Peter Pan. Kind of. I mean, I listen to everything Dumbledore says, and he told Harry once, "It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live." But I guess if everyone listened to that advice, Disneyland would go bankrupt. And I suppose the moral of the story is that Neverland can't last for never. For ever. And that we have to grow up sometime. Just Peter Pan... doesn't. And Wendy is just annoying. Seriously, she's annoying.

But what if Peter Pan did grow up? Steven Spielberg's Hook does everything I could have ever wanted with the Peter Pan story. Because in Hook, Pan's grown up. Pan is Robin Williams. And Pan has completely forgotten his adventures in Neverland and turned into Mr. Darling all-work-no-play-no-time-for-kids as an acquisitions lawyer. He's married to Wendy's granddaughter Moira (Caroline Goodall) and has two kids Jack (Charlie Korsmo), and Maggie (Amber Scott). He's not, like, father of the year or anything and his boy Jack kinda hates him. But when Pan left Neverland, he REALLY left. He left it so hard, he doesn't even know how to connect with kids least of all his own, and money has now become more important to him than adventures.

So then there's Hook. I mean Captain James Hook. The one armed-pirate person. The nefarious villain. Well, he steals Jack and Maggie right outa their bedroom and takes them straight on 'till morning. What sparks this? What bring Peter Pan's arch-enemy to go all thief-in-the-night and kidnap two innocent kids? Because he's not over this relationship, obviously. He wants the immature, won't-mature 12-year-old who tortured Hook and his goons for years to suffer, to die even. But CATCH. Hook's under the assumption that he and Pan are going to go at it for old times sake, laugh over hand-eating crocodiles while drinking margaritas (Petey's of age now) and put on a sword-show for his drunk pirate-band. Yeah, Peter can't remember anything. He can't fight. He can't fly. And he can't crow. Hook won't fight Peter like this. But he also won't abandon his plans to send him to his doom. So he gives Peter 3 days to get himself ready and rekindle some of the old green-tights pizazz.

Everything that I don't like about Peter Pan is brought full circle in Hook. My favorite scene is the brief re-cap of Peter's transformation from the boy who never grew up to the boy who did. We watch him deal with his fear of death by postponing it in Neverland. We see the sadness that came over young Pan when he realizes his mother forgot about him. We see him get sad again as he watches Wendy get older and turned from Gwenyth Paltrow into Maggie Smith. We see him give a real kiss to Wendy's granddaughter, and ultimately abandon his life in Neverland for the opportunity to be a father.

COME ON, IT KIND OF GIVES ME THE FEELS.

Everything that Peter learned in Neverland about adventure and love was forgotten in his corporate life. His return to Neverland reminded him why he left in the first place and why that was more important than anything else in the whole world. Hook is a charming fantasy that focuses on the important things.

All of these feel-good things would be nothing without the star-power performances of Julia Roberts as Tinkerbell, Maggie Smith (classy with a side of phenomenal) Robin Williams, Charlie Korsmo (Minnesota REPRESENT), Bob Hoskins as Smee and especially Dustin Hoffman as the Hook himself. Seriously, this movie deserves a watch if only for the Hoff Man. Animated Hook is a coward. Hoff Man Hook is a BAMF. He's a conniving, twisted, manipulative, clever, EVIL villain and that dufus smile of his just doesn't leave. Also, Robin Williams is pretty cool.

Perhaps this isn't Spielberg's greatest blockbuster - but I don't think it was meant to be. It's a hook. We all want to know what would happen if Peter Pan grew up. Perhaps some of the fairy tale's original magic is lost, but we're checking out Never Never Land through the eyes of a blinded adult. Only when Peter starts to figure things out do the colors and magic come out. (That being said, what IS that food they eat supposed to be ANYWAY?) I saw this movie as a child. And nothing trumps nostalgia. PAN IS BACK. 8/10

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (2001)

Yes.  I am a Harry Potter nut. You know who I mean, the weirdies who camp out to get the books at midnight and stay up all night reading it, decked out in wizard robes and drinking “butter” beer.  I’ve probably read the books ten plus times, so if I wanted to bash on this movie for three pages worth I could and would gladly do so.  But as much as I’m sure you’d love to hear all of my sarcastic quips, I shall try my best to judge it as a film and solely by that, limiting comparison from book to movie.  And it would be pretty sad if I could bash about Sorcerer’s Stone since it does follow the book near perfectly… but leave it to me to notice the 10% that’s inaccurate.

Anyway, in case you’ve been living under a rock these past twenty years, this is what’s up.  Meet Harry (Daniel Radcliffe): orphan at birth due to the mysterious death of his parents, his hair long and unkempt, his forehead decorated with a lightning bolt scar, his clothes drowning his skinny body.   He lives in the cupboard under the stairs in the home of his heartless aunt and uncle and he is shunned by his peers.  He is also generally present whenever strange and abnormal things go down.  His rags to riches story begins at his eleventh birthday when a nine-foot scruffy-lookin’ mountain-man named Hagrid (Robbie Coltrane, who is the MAN) visits him.  Harry learns that his freakish tendencies are actually magical powers, and that he has been invited to study at a wizarding school, leaving his all-but home for a luxurious magical castle.  Oh, and he’s famous.  Hogwarts gives him a gift that he never had before: a chance to live and discover himself.  He lands a spot on the school’s Quidditch (basketball and soccer combo – seriously Rowling, how do you come up with this stuff??) team, his fame precedes him and makes him the most popular first-year at the school, and he gets to practice cursing people for his homework.  Not bad, eh?  With friends Ron Weasley (Rupert Grint) and Hermione Granger (Emma Watson), the mischievous threesome begin to uncover mysteries in the castle, and their attempt to single-handedly solve them gets them in a plot that’s way over their heads – a plot that may involve the wizard responsible for the death of Harry’s parents.

It’s hard to say when Harry really entered my life.  I was… eight?  I remember walking into my third grade classroom with Prisoner of Azkaban in hand ready to read through class. I remember arguments over the correct pronunciation of “Hermione” with my mom.  But I honestly don’t remember when Harry really left his mark.  Because seriously?  Harry and I are tight like spandex.  I am a little bit obsessed.  Since Book #4 I’ve been getting them at midnight and I read them once a year.  I used to play HP imagining games with my childhood buddies.  Any sort of Harry Potter paraphernalia, I probably had.  Star Wars is probably the only other franchise to leave such an imprint on my soul.  Okay, now things are getting a little TOO weird, but you get what I mean.  I love Harry Potter.  A lot.

It was actually a lot of fun to let the film buff side take over and realize that these movies aren’t the atrocities I once thought they were.  The characters created by J.K. Rowling are what drive the story but we’ve got just about every excellent English actor in existence playing them: Alan Rickman as Professor Snape is arguably the best of the bunch – he’s so sinister and snakelike in his hateful disdain for Harry, Richard Harris (I’ll never forgive you for dying) as Dumbledore, Maggie Smith as Professor McGonagall, and tons more.  The kids were okay, too – now Daniel Radcliffe’s getting Tony noms and Emma Watson’s got her adorable pixie cut.  They were so tiny in Sorcerer’s Stone.  These early ones are also great of Rupert Grint, he’s pretty likeable.  Watson’s probably going the farthest in her future career, though.  She knows what she’s doing as the standoffish Hermione.  It also sucks that Tom Felton took such a bad turn through puberty after movie #2, he was s’darn cute in this one!  Well, cute and sinister.

This is by-far the most tame of the Harry Potter franchise.  That isn’t to say that the others are adult-themed, but this one is clearly catered towards children.  The book too is a children’s novel, so I guess I can’t really argue the choice of audience.  The feel is innocent and colorful – bright golds and deep reds deck the halls of Hogwarts, the Quidditch lawn too is vibrantly colored with greens and blues.  John Williams’ score is twinkly and “Hedwig’s theme” is, haha, magical.  For how complex J.K. Rowling’s world is, the movie does a remarkable job of balancing unfamiliar customs with plot in the two-hour film.  With each twist and turn, something new emerges (cue the chimes).  And really, all I’ve got to say is when can I sign up for Hogwarts?  I don’t care how hard they have to “study” for final exams, it has to be more fun than studying for biology finals.  I’d study charms with Professor Flitwick and I’m sure I’d blow up my fair share of feathers like Seamus.  I’d eat the self-filling plates in the dining hall with all you can drink pumpkin juice.  And I’d definitely play chaser on my house Quidditch team (Gryffindor, of course).  Obviously, the world emerges from the books but I am thrilled to see it on screen.

Chris Columbus, you may not be too daring but you can NEVER go wrong with sticking to the original story.  Sure there are still holes that bug me (i.e. Professor Snape “is helping” to guard the Sorcerer’s Stone yet no potions obstacle is shown – a deleted scene but still an unfortunate loss), and a little TOO much learning-life-lessons cheese (“Swish and FLICK!”)  Rowling stuck close to the production of the film, which didn’t hurt.  And really, the dialogue is pretty great.  “I’m going to bed before either of you comes up with another clever idea to get us killed – or worse, expelled.” “She NEEDS to sort out her priorities.”

This movie also makes me mourn Richard Harris.  His death will forever haunt me every single time I watch these movies.  Every time.  He was SO perfect.  He embodied one of the greatest, wisest characters ever written with poise and dignity.  According to Rowling, Dumbledore is the “epitome of goodness.”  Michael Gambon is fine and I appreciate his talent now, but I can never feel that heart of goodness at his core like I could with Harris.  His way of dealing with Harry at the Mirror of Erised is so gentle and grandfather-like.  Man, I miss him.  My consistency obsessions are also troubled.  But whatever, nothing we can do about it.  Some of his best lines are in this first installment, though: “Alas, earwax!” “It takes a great deal of courage to stand up to your enemies, but even more to stand up to your friends.” (Which, p.s. I love Neville.  Just sayin – one of my favorite book characters).

This is the beginning of a wonderful journey.  The boundaries surrounding the evil are barely tapped, but still introduced.  The mere whisper of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is taboo and evokes fear and panic in wizards and muggles alike – and we’ve only just met the evil overlord.  There are some awesome scenes – namely the giant wizard chess scene.  Srsly, so cool.  Hagrid also stands out as one of the best adults, and he is involved in some great moments.  The entire journey to Diagon Alley is well filmed, John Hurt cameos to boot.  Norbert the Norwegian Ridgeback even made it in.

It’s nothing without the book.  In fact, I wish I could see these without my deep bias and excess back-knowledge.  So, guys, read the book.  You won’t regret it.  These movies are like Barney compared to that incredible series.  But if you absolutely insist on watching the movies sans reading, this is pretty good.  7/10

First Wives Club (1996)

Two words: Powerhouse Cast.  I mean seriously.  If you were gonna make an all over broads movie, who would you choose?  Okay if you said Meryl Streep, I’d still support that, or maybe even Helen Mirren after Red but this is the ’90s.  Diane Keaton, Bete Midler, Goldie Hawn and even Maggie Smith combine for some serious hormonal catastrophes.

After their college bestie Cynthia (Stockard Channing) kills herself, the insecure Brenda (Midler), the over-secure made-up barbie Elise (Hawn), and the clueless Annie (Keaton) reunite and talk old times.  Turns out all three have been screwed by their husbands for younger women (well, in all honesty I guess the youngin’s were the ones being screwed…)  But they’re not going to take it so easy – they put those douches at the top of the food chain.  So they come up with a plot to hit them where it hurts the most: their wallets.

All right, so this is totally a chick movie.  I’ll be the first to admit it.  And if you’re a dude, you might even feel insulted by the, well, serious burn these guys are getting.  So I won’t exactly recommend it to you males, but it’s not unheard of for you folks to laugh out loud either.

First: it’s an original story – thank. you.  The basic plot may seem familiar but it’s still fresh and different.  My favorite was the plot line involving Sarah Jessica Parker (yes, the SJP herself) and Brenda’s husband with Maggie Smith screwin’ them over.  I mean, it’s just silly.  But awesome.

Second: that writing’s top notch.  The screenplay never misses a beat and man I don’t care how stupid those ladies sound, the script makes them hilarious and witty.

“No, Sean Connery is Monique’s boyfriend!  He may be three hundred years old, but he’s sitll a stud!”
“Let’s synchronize our watches.” “Ooh just like Mission: Impossible!” “Oh, that was a big hit.”
“Doormat!” “Lesbian!”

Okay, so maybe that last quote was pushing it on the witty scale, but it’s still funny.

Last: It’s about character.  I watched this with my good friend and we both agree that character is what makes a movie.  I mean even Annie’s daughter Chris (Jennifer Dundas) and her coming out of the closet – it’s more about the actual girl than it is that she’s a lesbian.  You’d only laugh at her parting, “Oh by the way dad, I’m a lesbian.  A BIG one.” if you already liked the character.  So maybe the guys aren’t exactly the most likable characters out there, but they’re still well-developed and perfectly acted.  (Yup, Victor freaking Garber is in this too).  I mean, straight out of Annie Hall, Diane Keaton is adorable.  Just watch that chick try and freak out at her idiot husband and therapist.  And watch her dance!  Oh so cute.  And Goldie Hawn’s character could not be better played nor created.  Her Andy Warhol/Marilyn Monroe painting OF HERSELF hangin’ in the apartment? Classic.

Not only are our leads terrific, but we’ve got actors and actresses like Jennifer Dundas, Rob Reiner,  Eileen Heckart, Sarah Jessica Parker, Marcia Gay Harden, Bronson Pinchot, Debra Monk, Dan Hedaya, Stephen Collins, Victor Garber and Heather Locklear in there!  Allow me to reiterate: stellar cast.

First Wives Club is for all you ladies out there.  You’ll laugh, I promise.  Especially if you’re still bitter over recent injustices from the men in your life.  8/10

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