The Princess Diaries (2001)

Does anyone else remember how awesome this movie is? I definitely forgot. I'm sure I haven't seen it for at least ten years. However, while I was serving my eighteen month mission for the LDS church, I swear I thought of this movie once a week.

1. I saw a lot of miracles while I was in Japan. Cue Myra's "Miracles Happen." We'd be riding on our bikes and suddenly I'm jammin'. And foot popping.

2. I had a lot of Canadian friends on the mish. The whole secret to The Princess Diaries is that it's actually about Canada. Don't try and tell me that "Genovia" and "O Canada" don't sound EXACTLY THE SAME. We all know what "between France and Spain" means...

Anyway.

The Princess Diaries, based off Meg Cabot's novel of the same title, is about 15-year-old Mia Thermopolis (Anne Hathaway) who is just trying her best to stay invisible and pass the tenth grade. It's clear after five minutes that Mia is the ugly duckling, the awkward nobody, the gawky unpopular girl who throws up public speaking. She lives with her mom, Helen (Caroline Goodall) and Fat Louie the cat, and hangs out with slightly less unpopular and a little less ugly eccentric Lilly Moscovitz (Heather Matarazzo). Mia's got the hots for the jock, Josh Bryant (Erik von Detten), and he's all sharing saliva with cheerleader Lana Thomas (Mandy Moore) and then Lilly's brother Michael (Robert Schwartzman) has got the hots for Mia. This is high school, guys. Nevermind the fact that Anne Hathaway is 21-years-old when this was filmed. This drama shiz is still totally real. Fantasy macking it with your crush and all.

Anyway, Mia the invisible nobody gets thrown a fast one when her never-before-met perfect poise & posture grandma Clarisse Renaldi (Julie Andrews) shows up and drops the "you're-actually-a-princess" card of this made-up country called Genovia. At first Mia's like, "what??" then she's like, "shut up!" and then Queen Grandma's like, "I beg your pardon?" and the butler's like, "chill out majesty, in America it doesn't always mean be quiet it could be wow, gee whiz, or golly wolly!" and then there's panic and then we found out that the future of Canada lies in Mia's hands. I mean Genovia. (A little extreme plot device, but we'll roll with it).

However, if Ugly Betty's gonna be a princess, then something has got to be done with that beast she's got growing on her head. Not to mention... every other thing about her body. It's like Mia doesn't even know what a hair brush is. Or tweezers. Novel invention that's been around for centuries, it's cool. "I love your eyebrows! We'll call them Frida and Kahlo. If Brooke Shields married Groucho Marx, their child would have your eyebrows!" They bring in the big guns and it's no wonder that the famed hair dresser Paolo's (Larry Miller) hair brush broke on her head... But after her shot on Extreme Makeover, Mia has transformed into super hot Anne Hathaway! PRINCESSED. We all knew this was coming.

Garry Marshall was also the director of Pretty Woman, Runaway Bride, and those weird Valentines Day/New Years Day whatever they're called movies. Anyway, this is Pretty Woman G-rated. But what could be just another lame movie to sit through with your 7-year-old, instead Princess Diaries is a delight. It's a clean and witty comedy - not only can your kid AND you enjoy this Disney flick, but you can enjoy it for the same reasons. Marshall doesn't try to make it something it's not with unnecessary innuendos that fly over kids' heads. It's a straight up fairy tale with straight up morals and straight up charm. It's a great movie for our daughters! Two great take home messages:

-There is responsibility in princess-dom! You little girls may dream big, but let's knock some sense into you - no one wants that kind of work and pressure! No one wants a media posse 24/7! Okay, maybe that's just the message that I took out of it. Food for thought, little girl. Grow up and be a lawyer.

-For reals, though. No matter what you look like, it's just important who you are and living that way with integrity. Be yo'self. Maturity comes when you stop thinking about "I" and "me" and what others think. You need to look outside of yourself and use your talents to help other people. Pretty good take home message, eh Canada? Genovia?

A terribly predictable and unoriginal story is brought to life by these skilled actors particularly newcomer (now Academy Award winner) little Anne Hathaway, the ever lovely Julie Andrews, and Hector Elizondo - the butler "you-can-call-me-Joe." (Let's talk about the alluded romance there, huh?) What the plot lacks in originality it makes up for in good acting, a clever script, and character chemistry. Throughout the film, Mia & her Queen-bee grandmother's relationship strengthens and they both learn lessons about family and responsibility. They take a day out on the town where Mia shows her the ropes and the rush that comes from arm wrestling arcade. Just a suggestion, Queen Elizabeth, if you're looking to get out...

Princess Diaries is pure early 2000s gold. Doc Martins, Mandy Moore and her backup singers, balloon art gold. Though without the nostalgia, I can't speak for you. 8/10

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (2001)

Yes.  I am a Harry Potter nut. You know who I mean, the weirdies who camp out to get the books at midnight and stay up all night reading it, decked out in wizard robes and drinking “butter” beer.  I’ve probably read the books ten plus times, so if I wanted to bash on this movie for three pages worth I could and would gladly do so.  But as much as I’m sure you’d love to hear all of my sarcastic quips, I shall try my best to judge it as a film and solely by that, limiting comparison from book to movie.  And it would be pretty sad if I could bash about Sorcerer’s Stone since it does follow the book near perfectly… but leave it to me to notice the 10% that’s inaccurate.

Anyway, in case you’ve been living under a rock these past twenty years, this is what’s up.  Meet Harry (Daniel Radcliffe): orphan at birth due to the mysterious death of his parents, his hair long and unkempt, his forehead decorated with a lightning bolt scar, his clothes drowning his skinny body.   He lives in the cupboard under the stairs in the home of his heartless aunt and uncle and he is shunned by his peers.  He is also generally present whenever strange and abnormal things go down.  His rags to riches story begins at his eleventh birthday when a nine-foot scruffy-lookin’ mountain-man named Hagrid (Robbie Coltrane, who is the MAN) visits him.  Harry learns that his freakish tendencies are actually magical powers, and that he has been invited to study at a wizarding school, leaving his all-but home for a luxurious magical castle.  Oh, and he’s famous.  Hogwarts gives him a gift that he never had before: a chance to live and discover himself.  He lands a spot on the school’s Quidditch (basketball and soccer combo – seriously Rowling, how do you come up with this stuff??) team, his fame precedes him and makes him the most popular first-year at the school, and he gets to practice cursing people for his homework.  Not bad, eh?  With friends Ron Weasley (Rupert Grint) and Hermione Granger (Emma Watson), the mischievous threesome begin to uncover mysteries in the castle, and their attempt to single-handedly solve them gets them in a plot that’s way over their heads – a plot that may involve the wizard responsible for the death of Harry’s parents.

It’s hard to say when Harry really entered my life.  I was… eight?  I remember walking into my third grade classroom with Prisoner of Azkaban in hand ready to read through class. I remember arguments over the correct pronunciation of “Hermione” with my mom.  But I honestly don’t remember when Harry really left his mark.  Because seriously?  Harry and I are tight like spandex.  I am a little bit obsessed.  Since Book #4 I’ve been getting them at midnight and I read them once a year.  I used to play HP imagining games with my childhood buddies.  Any sort of Harry Potter paraphernalia, I probably had.  Star Wars is probably the only other franchise to leave such an imprint on my soul.  Okay, now things are getting a little TOO weird, but you get what I mean.  I love Harry Potter.  A lot.

It was actually a lot of fun to let the film buff side take over and realize that these movies aren’t the atrocities I once thought they were.  The characters created by J.K. Rowling are what drive the story but we’ve got just about every excellent English actor in existence playing them: Alan Rickman as Professor Snape is arguably the best of the bunch – he’s so sinister and snakelike in his hateful disdain for Harry, Richard Harris (I’ll never forgive you for dying) as Dumbledore, Maggie Smith as Professor McGonagall, and tons more.  The kids were okay, too – now Daniel Radcliffe’s getting Tony noms and Emma Watson’s got her adorable pixie cut.  They were so tiny in Sorcerer’s Stone.  These early ones are also great of Rupert Grint, he’s pretty likeable.  Watson’s probably going the farthest in her future career, though.  She knows what she’s doing as the standoffish Hermione.  It also sucks that Tom Felton took such a bad turn through puberty after movie #2, he was s’darn cute in this one!  Well, cute and sinister.

This is by-far the most tame of the Harry Potter franchise.  That isn’t to say that the others are adult-themed, but this one is clearly catered towards children.  The book too is a children’s novel, so I guess I can’t really argue the choice of audience.  The feel is innocent and colorful – bright golds and deep reds deck the halls of Hogwarts, the Quidditch lawn too is vibrantly colored with greens and blues.  John Williams’ score is twinkly and “Hedwig’s theme” is, haha, magical.  For how complex J.K. Rowling’s world is, the movie does a remarkable job of balancing unfamiliar customs with plot in the two-hour film.  With each twist and turn, something new emerges (cue the chimes).  And really, all I’ve got to say is when can I sign up for Hogwarts?  I don’t care how hard they have to “study” for final exams, it has to be more fun than studying for biology finals.  I’d study charms with Professor Flitwick and I’m sure I’d blow up my fair share of feathers like Seamus.  I’d eat the self-filling plates in the dining hall with all you can drink pumpkin juice.  And I’d definitely play chaser on my house Quidditch team (Gryffindor, of course).  Obviously, the world emerges from the books but I am thrilled to see it on screen.

Chris Columbus, you may not be too daring but you can NEVER go wrong with sticking to the original story.  Sure there are still holes that bug me (i.e. Professor Snape “is helping” to guard the Sorcerer’s Stone yet no potions obstacle is shown – a deleted scene but still an unfortunate loss), and a little TOO much learning-life-lessons cheese (“Swish and FLICK!”)  Rowling stuck close to the production of the film, which didn’t hurt.  And really, the dialogue is pretty great.  “I’m going to bed before either of you comes up with another clever idea to get us killed – or worse, expelled.” “She NEEDS to sort out her priorities.”

This movie also makes me mourn Richard Harris.  His death will forever haunt me every single time I watch these movies.  Every time.  He was SO perfect.  He embodied one of the greatest, wisest characters ever written with poise and dignity.  According to Rowling, Dumbledore is the “epitome of goodness.”  Michael Gambon is fine and I appreciate his talent now, but I can never feel that heart of goodness at his core like I could with Harris.  His way of dealing with Harry at the Mirror of Erised is so gentle and grandfather-like.  Man, I miss him.  My consistency obsessions are also troubled.  But whatever, nothing we can do about it.  Some of his best lines are in this first installment, though: “Alas, earwax!” “It takes a great deal of courage to stand up to your enemies, but even more to stand up to your friends.” (Which, p.s. I love Neville.  Just sayin – one of my favorite book characters).

This is the beginning of a wonderful journey.  The boundaries surrounding the evil are barely tapped, but still introduced.  The mere whisper of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is taboo and evokes fear and panic in wizards and muggles alike – and we’ve only just met the evil overlord.  There are some awesome scenes – namely the giant wizard chess scene.  Srsly, so cool.  Hagrid also stands out as one of the best adults, and he is involved in some great moments.  The entire journey to Diagon Alley is well filmed, John Hurt cameos to boot.  Norbert the Norwegian Ridgeback even made it in.

It’s nothing without the book.  In fact, I wish I could see these without my deep bias and excess back-knowledge.  So, guys, read the book.  You won’t regret it.  These movies are like Barney compared to that incredible series.  But if you absolutely insist on watching the movies sans reading, this is pretty good.  7/10

A.I.: Artificial Intelligence (2001)

Spoilers. Just sayin’.

I remember so well when this movie was released.  I was 10-years-old, and I wanted sooo badly to see it – but due to its PG-13 rating my mom wouldn’t let me.  I got over it.  I’m glad, now, that I didn’t see it then because when I finally was able to, I could appreciate it.  At 10-years I already loved movies and knew all about Steven Spielberg; E.T., Close Encounters, Jaws, & Jurrasic Park were favorites from my childhood.  I did not, however, know who Stanley Kubrick was (pretty sure that name came along when I was 12 or 13).  This began as Kubrick’s project and you can see his prints all over it.

Sometime in the future, where the world is starting to freeze over and couples must obtain a license to have children, technology has advanced so much that man can create life.  Artificial intelligence (robots) are hardly distinguishable from human beings.  Scientist Allan Hobby (William Hurt) wants to take it a step further: What if we could create a Robot that could love.  Not physical lust but love like a child would care for his mother. What if?

And so David was created (Haley Joel Osment).  Monica (Frances O’Connor) and Henry (Sam Robards) Swintons – whose child is being held in cryostasis until a cure is found for his disease – decide to test out this new product. (Yeah, I totally stole that from IMDb.  But I didn’t really know what the kid’s problem was.  So sue me).  Henry brings him home and Monica is initially furious.  No “mecha” could replace her own physical child.  Trial period ensues.  Should they choose to keep David, they must perform an irreversable imprint ritual.  Monica spends time with David and they begin to bond.  She decides to do the imprint thing (sadly, this now makes me think of Breaking Dawn…) and David is now in for good.  The transformation is instant – Monica is now Mommy and David wants nothing but to make her happy.

Problems arrive when their “real” son, Martin (Jake Thomas) recovers and comes home.  Suddenly David’s got competition.  Suddenly “Daddy” has changed his mind about the entire ordeal.  Suddenly David is getting in trouble and doesn’t know how to get mommy’s love anymore.  David cuts a lock off Monica’s hair to gain her love but is falsely accused of sinister motives.  Things get worse when he’s found holding Martin at the bottom of a pool… but only because he was frightened seconds earlier and wanted protection.  Monica (sob sob sob) can’t take it anymore, David’s gotta go.

So what does she do?  She drops him in the middle of the woods with nothing but a smart Teddy, some money, and a dismal parting message: “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about the world.”  WTF?  He may be artificial, but he’s still a kid.  All he can figure is that his mother must not love him because he isn’t real like Martin.  He decides to search for the Blue Fairy so that he can become a real boy like Pinnochio.

Part two, the story takes a turn and we are introduced to (though we don’t thoroughly explore) this “world.”  Mecha exist everywhere, but humans resent their presence.  “Flesh Fairs” are held to destroy and publicly ridicule mecha, led by Lord Johnson-Johnson (Brendan Gleeson).  Human nature hasn’t degraded far enough for them to ridicule an 8-year-old boy, however, when David is under display.

David still searches for the Blue Fairy, still accompanied by Teddy and newly accompanied by Gigolo Joe – Hey Joe what do you know? (Jude Law).  He is led (guided by Dr. Know (Robin Williams)) to an underwater Manhattan.

The end to this film is an end for discussion, and I must admit I have a few issues with it myself.

David is reunited with Dr. Hobby, creator.  We learn that David is the new frontier.  Soon he will be available to anyone who wants a child that can love.  Suddeny, though, David leaves.  Hey Joe what do you know is taken by the police.  David finds the remains of a Pinnochio exhibit on an underwater Coney Island.  David and Teddy stay in the helicopter thing for, wait for it, two thousand years praying to the Blue Fairy.  After those two thousand years – the Mecha of the future and some sort of real Blue Fairy (Meryl Streep) find David and are able to reunite him with his mother for a day only.  The film ends after a perfect day spent with Monica.

I’m not in the habit of writing an entire synopsis for a simple review, that’s not my thing.  But I’ve been thinking about this movie so much that it helps me to sort it all out.  I’m even having difficulty throwing in sarcastic comments, made-up words and dumb jokes I’m thinking about this so hard.  Allow me to interject now with a big WTfreakingF???  Like, seriously.  I don’t even know what to think.  But now that I’ve gotten this out of my system, thanks for listening to that really boring summary instead of our usual review format.  I feel much better now, folks.  Anyway, there are the little things that bug me… for example though I liked Jude Law’s character I found the sexual innuendos unnecessary.  It gave an interesting perspective to David’s unique ability to truly love, but in the end it contributed nothing.  I also wonder what the point is of owning a perpetual 8-year-old.  But those are small things.

Many complain about the end.  Many are convinced that Spielberg took this film a completely different direction than was the intention of Kubrick.  (Spielberg has been quoted to say that this is false, Kubrick’s intentions were met in the finished product.  Apparently).  Granted, I had a WTF moment myself and it took two viewings to really place it but seeing as mecha cannot become human, this is sci-fi not fantasy, I found the ending appropriate.  David found closure.  His wish essentially came true.  He was able to spend a perfect day with his mother and do the things he wanted to.  Who knows what his future holds – he is one of a kind, now.

My issue concerns the almost-end.  Apparently he was led to Manhattan as part of a plan.  Apparently he was special.  Apparently the fellow scientists (including Miles from Lost!)  were dying to meet him.  He was made in the image of Doctor Hobby’s son for crying out loud!  Yet…. nothing else happens?  David… gets left?  Did they search for him?  What would have happened next?  Now do their Davids and Darlenes get shipped to the world?  We are led to this moment and nothing happens.  That threw me.  And really bothers me.

My admiration for this film outweighs my contempt for its faults, and although I was thrown by the ending it adds to my appreciation.  Though I love Spielberg and Sci-Fi always – the selling point is Haley Joel Osment.  He may be the very best child actor to have passed through cinema, and yeah I’m being serious.  It’s not easy for an adult to correctly display artificial emotions, yet he does it without a single misstep.  His eyes tell the story.  His performance could not be duplicated.  If anything, the film is worth it for him.

It is unique.  It is fascinating.  I was invested every second.  As with all works of art, it’s now left to interpretation, so do what you will with the ending.  I, however, highly recommend the film.  It must have been worth it if I’m already eager to watch it again. :) 8/10

On a side note – I want a Teddy.  That’s my kind of companion!