Romeo + Juliet (1996)

Next time someone hates on gangs dancing in West Side Story, I’ll be asking whether they’ve seen gangs fighting while speaking in Shakespearean dialect…

Yep.  I’m a hater.  But big disclaimer: I’ve always detested those idiot star cross’d lovers.  I’ve read the play, seen it three times, only once have I even remotely enjoyed it – and that was because they were kind of making fun of all those things I hate.  We’ll disregard for the moment that my ninth grade boyfriend played Romeo so it drove me nuts that he was kissing another girl and that every other girl in the junior high was head over heels for him…. totally unrelated.

Needless to say, I didn’t start off on good footing with this.  And I must admit that I have never detested this more.  It isn’t that I’m not used to the extravagant style of Baz Luhrmann – I’m a Moulin Rouge! fan.  It’s… that it doesn’t WORK the same way that it does in Moulin Rouge! In fact, it fails.  It’s a disastrous combination of Hollywood action and Shakespearean themes and dialect.  “Swords” are guns manufactured by ‘Sword?’  Funny.  But dumb more than clever.

It’s set in Verona Beach – but what they mean is stereotypical surfer California.  Pretty sure everyone knows what’s up with this story, but here’s a brief rundown of the mess.  The Montagues and the Capulets are in a turf-battle/family feud dating back to who knows when.  Romeo (Leonardo DiCaprio), a Montague, is depressed and in love with Rosaline.  Then he lays eyes on Juliet (Claire Danes), a Capulet and falls in {deeper?} love.  Ah, the beauty of the forbidden.  Then they frolic in a swimming pool, declare their undying love, Romeo’s good buddy Mercutio (Harold Perrineau – LOST!) gets murdered, Romeo kills the dude responsible, Juliet fakes her death to try and still rock it with Romeo in the end, Romeo believes she’s dead and kills himself, so then she kills herself too and they live happily ever after…. while dead?

On the subject of the plot – what was with that swimming pool crap anyway?  Dra-freaking-matic (don’t judge on the word).

It’s SO overly-colorful, it’s obnoxious.  I again compare to Moulin Rouge. It isn’t artistic and beautiful. It’s distracting and insulting – like a crappy Tim Burton ripoff.  They’re wearing Hawaiian shirts for heaven’s sake – it’s a punk version of a SHAKESPEARE PLAY.  Seriously?  Luhrmann even has the nerve to show Mercutio as a drag queen at one point.  WTF.  The overtly provocative and modern-day clothing displayed at the masquerade is terribly out of place and, again, obnoxious.  The music is also unrelated and inconsistent.

I’m not against modern-day adaptations of Shakespeare plays.  I think that 10 Things I Hate About You is very clever and entertaining.  Even She’s the Man is kind of funny.  West Side Story is my personal favorite, and that’s dealing with this very story.  I think the main thing that fails here is the awful mismatch of sounding like Shakespeare and looking like The Beach Boys.  Had there been modern-day dialogue to match 20th century feel, it wouldn’t have sucked half as much.  FIrst of all, Leo and C-Danes have no idea how to speak Shakespeare effectively, they’re in way over their heads.  Pete Postlethwaite (the priest) and Miriam Margolyes (the nurse) seemed to be the only two who were even half-realistic.  But really, “art thou mad,” doesn’t work in Cali last time I checked.

The acting actually isn’t that bad, with the exception of Claire Danes.  I’m a huge Little Women fan, and I love her as the meek and quiet Beth March.  Not as the fiery Juliet.  I felt no connection to her, nor in their relationship really.  Leo’s my man, but even he isn’t at his top game – though he’s still probably my favorite part.  Pete Postlethwaite and Miriam Margolyes are definitely the most capable of the bunch, and quite enjoyable to watch.  [Side note, I saw Miriam Margolyes on stage in 2006 as Madam Morrible in Wicked. Cool.]  Everyone else is just background noise.  Paul Rudd (whom I love in Friends and Clueless) doesn’t add much, neither does John Leguizamo, Paul Sorvino, nor Harold Perrineau (I actually didn’t like him much at all).

Overall, Romeo + Juliet is a dreadful adaptation to a Shakespearean classic.  I may not even like the original material, but Shakespeare at least knew what he was doing and I respect the man for everything he was capable of.  This is where crap like Twilight comes from… 2/10

Australia (2008)

All righty so I went to another island over the weekend and stayed in this hotel where they just played Australia on repeat and I totally watched it over ten times.  Not all at once, and I’m still not sure I got all of the scenes in the middle, but enough to feel like I know that movie pretty well now! (*Side note, I have watched the entire thing prior to this.  So I am quite qualified to write a review about it, have no fear).

When I watch Baz Luhrmann’s (Moulin Rouge!) ambitious epic Australia I feel like I’m watching two different movies.  This is partly because it’s long enough to be two movies, but also because the beginning is so different from the end.  I’m glad I stuck with it because it significantly improves (WWII tends to do that) but man it starts off bizarre.  It’s so stylized, you feel like you’re watching a crazy cartoon.  I mean – take the scene in the car.  Nicole Kidman likes cute kangaroo.  Cute kangaroo gets shot.  Her overly large head, gaping mouth and wild eyes fill the screen.  Wow.

Then there’s Nullah, the aboriginal child played by Brandon Walters in his only film to date.  It’s like the magic he talks of has swept over you as soon as he comes on screen.  And crikey he’s cute.

Nicole Kidman plays Lady Sarah Ashley – a proper, obnoxious English woman – wife of the owner of Far Away Downs in Australia.  Upon arriving in Australia, she is awkwardly placed in the care of The Drover, Hugh Jackman.  When she finds her husband dead and one of her employers Mr. Fletcher (David Wenham) illegaly working for their major competition King Carney (Bryan Brown), Lady Ashley (affectionately referred to as “Mrs. Boss” by Nullah) is stuck with some nasty business.  She must enlist the help of Drover to herd over 1500 cattle before Carney to fulfill a contract with the Australian Army.

The first hour feels like three.  Then it takes an LOTR turn during the epic cow herding-ness.  Then we have several Gone With the Wind moments during the third hour, lots of almost-deaths, some crying opportunities, explosions, etc.  Its strengths lie with Nullah, and the film’s use of our beloved Oz song “Over the Rainbow.”  “I sing you to me, Mrs. Boss” he sweetly tells her.  The scenery and camerawork are also commendable.  Nicole Kidman seems to grow up over night (thank heaven) and when she does she gives a solid performance.  Russell Crowe was initially signed to play Drover but in the end Hugh Jackman was a perfect fit for the attractively rugged down-under man.  His performance (and looks!) is/are excellent.  I must also say that David Wenham makes a great villain (much like his LOTR fictional brother Sean Bean).

I don’t mind long movies – Lord of the Rings, Ben-Hur, Gone With the Wind – so long as it is well paced.  (Harry potter 4 & 5 SHOULD have been longer…)  It’s basically one of two things: either you happen to notice the time and think, “Wow!  I’ve been watching for a while!”  or you habitually glance at the clock every five minutes muttering “Goll, isn’t it over yet?”  As I said, I didn’t feel this way the entire time with Australia.  It lies somewhere in the middle.  Some aspects were fantastic (Hugh Jackman) and others were simply too big.

I just wasn’t blown away with this movie.  But then again, I watched it ten or so times and I didn’t turn it off.  That must count for something.   6/10